I'm not ok

There has been a considerably drop off in posting by me recently. It isn't that I don't want to post, and I have so many posts that are still in draft form.

Things have been a little stressful for me at work and things are just coming to a head now. Thankfully I only have 10 days to go until my notice runs out. But I've had to admit that I am definitely not ok. I've been ignoring the signs and hoping I can push through it for a while now, hence the lack of posting. I've been focusing on the move and all the stuff that goes with that, but in turn getting lost within things and not giving other things my full devotion. Or even being able to. I've started so many posts lately that I have never published, because I can't quite get the words right, can't quite work out what it is that I want to say.

As Mel C and Bryan Adams sang "even food don't taste that good" (I'll ignore their seemingly poor grasp of correct English for now). For someone who gets as excited about food as I do, the disturbing realisation that you just don't want to eat anything in your kitchen despite it being full of yummy things, is a sign of the impact that these things are having on me.

I have only felt this way a couple of times in my life. The first time was when I was in my second year at university. I'd been a bit screwed over by my work, then changed my pill which didn't agree with me and sent my hormones all over the shop. I would sit on the sofa like a zombie watching day time television, occasionally finding time to write essays and stuff. It is no real wonder I got an acceptable fail on one module that year and didn't do that great on the others. It wasn't until I told a friend how I was feeling and he told me that it sounded like the early stages of depression. I resisted that a bit, I mean, I come from a family that has had various knocks over the years and we all just cope with things. But gradually as I started to feel better I could look back and appreciate just what had been going on. I tried to learn from the experience - I didn't go to the Drs or get a formal diagnosis, but it took me a long time to recover from that.

The second time, understandably so, was when my marriage broke down. Trauma like that is enough to push even the strongest person over the edge, but thankfully I managed to work with myself and stop it getting too bad. Processing my thoughts and feelings about my marriage helped a lot with that.

But this time it has snuck up on me. I've tried my absolute best to cope with all the stress from work, whilst trying to deal with moving abroad, but really all I want to do is just curl up and sleep. And when I try to do that I can't manage it very well. I don't even want to put make up on, something absolutely unheard of for me when I have the time!!

As the stress is most definitely caused by work, and that will all end in 10 days, I'm fairly confident I can feel better soon. And once the packing kicks in it'll all be fine. But for now, I am not ok.